Confusion

I am trying my best to enjoy myself, it's so much harder said than done wallah. as for finances i havent spent a thing here yet money flies on dining out daily whether it be cheap breakfast or dinner..

So, I don't know what to do i know i need to enjoy my time here but deep down inside i can't. Mom's unhappiness and stress from one side and my unnecessary chaotic mind butchering me from another. I don't know what to do. I would be reading or doing some mind exercises if i could right now but i cant seem to to run anywhere to do that. I don't know what it is im searching for and/or asking for. I want to go somewhere far far away and just travel by myself i know it is not easy i will probably hate it but i know i need it. I need time away from everything and everyone i need time for myself to learn about something and to learn and figure out who I am. What holds me back are not only finances and responsibilites back in d.c. or even that my parents are most likely to resfure that idea but what really is holding me back is because i am straight up scared.


I was unhappy for a while and although i love love d.c. the thought of staying there confuses me. I get nervous because i keep associating it with far too many negative points in my life. nonetheless, i am not sure what i am seeking for from travel is it to gain independance or is that i am awaiting challenge and adventure to learn. i like to think i am indepdendent but I know i am far from being that at this time but would love to. i am still young and still have time to explore and learn from others who have learned so much. I know that travel provides a liberating feeling to me maybe because for a moment in my life i am away from reality i am lying to everyone around me including myself. Is ignoring lying? to me sometimes it feels that way. I think that is why I need to place myself out of my comfort zone but I am so scared to do so. I want to believe again. believe in myself, believe in life because with that comes strength happiness and courage.

I can't run away forever but sometimes I wish i could.. I want to run back to the states just because i want to be back in my bedroom by myself in my secure place.