cultivating ambition

Hey!

So it's January 20th and i am sitting in front of the computer, missing u guys and reminiscing the past month. The wedding was amazing. it was beautiful, fun, and exciting. the most fascinating thing was the fact that the wedding blossomed into a true family reunion! I was in Cairo for a month but half my time didn't count but i came across a perfect quote " you have not experienced Cairo well enough unless you have gotten sick" so the quote could not have said it any better. I experienced Cairo to the fullest!


I absolutely love Cairo and although my love for Cairo is based on just one experience( you can say it may be a bias one since i had friends and family constantly around especially during my last two weeks. ) i still think i would absolutely love it even if that wasn't the case it would just take a longer time for me to have realized. Cairo, Egypt is something else it's an amazing city that i've come to really love. it's full of life and full of culture. The constant tipping and begging is quite annoying but i am willing to see past it as the city gives me the greatest feeling, extreme joy. I would be willing to work in Egypt even if it means working two jobs just to make make ends meat. (food and nearby travel) i'd be willing to suck up a couple months at Nasr City since it would mean i would not have to pay rent.. might as well get some coffee shop experience somewhere? why not start there? ha ha. i really miss cairo. lebanon is great but not the same.

Beirut, Lebanon
So, today's my third day in Beirut and its been an interesting so far. Lebanon is great... i had a very different idea of what "Lebanon" is.. it's lifestyle and everything.. i had the stereotypical perception of how the people would be...high heels, full make up, dressed up 247, and completely snobby/rude.. but so far, my encounter with the Lebanese has been nothing like that. Instead, people are chill and are not as snobby as I had assumed. It's been raining thus far but i am definitely not letting it get the best of me rain or shine I'm out and about. however I'm not sure why I'm bothered I'm having lots of fun and everyone's been great but i have this huge tight feeling in the center of my chest and my legs are so heavy. But i am keeping positive as that would be really dumb of me. no time for that here! "dramatic" "brat" not sure.. hopefully neither.

I was given an opportunity to travel to Lebanon and i didn't pay the ticket of which i am extremely grateful for but i feel a sense of guilt and although i didn't pay the ticket to Cairo i don't feel as guilty since that ticket was because atiaf was getting married (i expected to have it paid for i know that's bad =/) but now i feel guilty I am feeling guilty for many reasons i am not sure why .. i HATE to sound like i am complaining because i am not.

It's onto the next...So let me begin with Sunday, mom and i arrived safely to Lebanon.. we came home relaxed and went out. Edrees, wiam, omar and I took a stroll in Safi village and Gamezzah we then ended up at abc mall where we enjoyed a Nescafe with some mezza at Laila cafe.. it was nice. i loved Safi village and Gamazah but especially Safi village with all the cute small boutiques.. and hamra for its many "hidden treasures"... Monday was supposedly the day mom had a dentist appt turned out it was not monday and Ama had scheduled it for Tuesday without realizing. So, Wiam, Omar and I took a tour of LAU and went and checked out the infamous Solidare a.k.a khaleejville. We ended up eating at Gemezzah at a place called Margarita. Afterwards, we met up with hala wiam and alaa2's friend at some coffee shop and grabbed crepes.. returned home and ended up staying up until 5 am.. an hour later, at 6am mom woke me up we, ama azizah, mom, wiam and me were all going to have breakfast @ this to place called Manara in Roucha.. While eating breakfast we watched the sunrise but because it was rainy it was hard to see the real "sunrise beauty".. it was nonetheless beautiful. We definitely took advantage of the photo opp's.. Afterwards we went to the popular mosque and burial of Harriri and visited the statue of where he was exactly assassinated. . we went on a car ride tour of the city and got fresh juices. we then rushed home since mom had her dentist appointment. Azizah originally told mom that it was on Monday, when Monday came we found out it was Tuesday.. however we then found out as soon as we were walking out of the house that her appointment is on Wed. now . Mom was furious because she feels that she needs to be back in the states for many reasons, (to be back with you guys for sure) and also other things im sure. On top of that mom was scared pops would be very annoyed from her and me too if he finds out we left and her actual appt is not until wed. So while mom was upset, i tried to lure her over with ideas on what we can be doing instead to get her mind of things.. i suggested we become productive and so mom, aziza, Horiah and I went to Moussa palace and Beit eddoun with the driver. i made sandwiches and mom made nescafe and went ahead with our day trip. we ate our sandwiches and sipped on our coffee of a cliff in Branamma mountains or something ? believe thats what it was. When we went into the museums and palaces, Horiah and azizah stayed in the car and mom and I toured and walked around.. after the palace and museum mom and I stood on the top of the mountain together not saying a word to one another (not for any reason ) it was liberating.

it was a great time i enjoyed it but this feeling continues to stay, a tight feeling that just won't go away. i smile and i laugh. I try not to be so hard on my self and i try not to be so out of it but i know i am being "fake" so i do not know what to do ? I believe perhaps this tight feeling is also making me begin to feel guilty... I question why I am on this trip and ask myself what is it exactly that i am doing ? i also feel that it is unfair i am in Beirut and not afiaa. Should she be here instead of me?.. I know i should appreciate that i am here but i dont think i should be. I am so privileged and so lucky for so reasons that i cannot even begin to list but this sense of worry and confusion is only giving my chaotic mind a difficulty of achieving what i want to achieve, rather it is making my whole body feel numb and tight. I feel guilty when i get those feelings because my subconscious mind keeps talking to me making me believe things that i know are distorted and need not to believe. i have been able to partake in many opportunities and i should be happy for how far i have come but i do not see that I have accomplished anything or feel like i deserve anything. i am embarrassed and should be held responsible. I am happy to say i am not sad and do not feel the need to be dependent on certain things. i am not sad or depressed and i am not putting myself down or beating myself up for it. I am also very thankful that my insomnia in Cairo was almost nonexistent..hamdilah and hopefully it will continue that way. I am working slowly on being comfortable .. i had no idea that i would be ending up in Lebanon i would not have guessed that if you asked me two months ago but i suppose this journey happened for a reason perhaps a portrayal of discovery ? It seems that my mind will always be chaotic, but i've found that we all have things we work on. That is mine.

After we came back from the mountains ama azizah ended up having to travel to Yemen. Thankfully, Amo Mohammed "permitted" her to go see her uncle before he dies. It all happened so fast. In twenty minutes or so we called the office, packed her stuff and headed to the airport. before we knew it she was off to Yemen! Afterwards, we took mom to meet up with Ama zainab for a coffee date at ABC mall it was so cute. We dropped mom off and went to this adorable cute cafe/lounge place called de prague. i liked it very much it had a tryst and baked and wired touch to it. Now, i am sitting, writing, missing you guys and awaiting for a challenge ahead, the discovery of the day, the unveiling facts behind mom's teeth and appreciating that although i've gone nowhere, understood nothing, i still can appreciate what I have been blessed with.

I feel distant from my sister and so i decided to do a recap of my trip and discuss what's going on with me.

I am so blessed and so lucky to have my sisters