Here I am disappointed at my disgusting body all the time yet children barely get to survive from lack of food or water. What am I complaining about my body? I have a roof. I have water. I have clothes. I have my needs met why am I complaining? Am I complaining? Is it wrong to? Every time I have thoughts that rush through my mind, its as though I have two people living in my brain. One that continues to think things I really feel and the other constantly trying to fight it. “STOP THINKING THAT WAY YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. THAT IS SELFISH OF YOU TO THINK THAT WAY. STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC.” I listen, quickly brushing it off with a smile.
My thoughts speak pretty loud, which has led me to imagine that there are two little people living in my brain. Always winning the battle, I introduce u to little man . He is filled with negativity.. the other is little, constantly trying to yell and fight but hardly defeating. I tell myself it’s okay it happens, everyone experiences negative self-talk but is it a continual battle? I need to stop over analyzing every little thing. Smile and breathe.
I don’t know why but I just am not happy and I really don’t know why. I just I don’t know I want to go out and feel so happy but nothing brings real true happiness to me. Nothing. I think I keep myself busy so I don’t have those days where I just sit and think and analyze how shitty my life is.
I have family and friends that love me im so lucky. But its just I don’t know my friends honestly I don’t even know I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t have much of a social life not because I don’t have friends but because I don’t ever want to do anything. Not meaning ohh I want to party I don’t really care for that. But it’s honestly like even for like dinner or a movie I end up just wanting to go home because im just not in the mood. But if I do end up going out its always with a friend whose become like family with everyone which should be a really good thing that she’s become family but just hanging out with her brings me a lot of stress .. maybe im giving myself excuses…I feel like im pushing everyone away, for a while I know I did. But I have gotten better at handling situations. A few days ago I didn’t want to see anybody I wasn’t in the mood for anyone all I wanted was my room and yell in a dark room. Every time I make new friends and every time someone wants to hang out I find myself giving excuses because I feel like I have to Its so weird, not because I have plans but it just stresses me out .. I don’tt want to feel uncomfortable so I say ok well see well figure it out? Figure what out I have no idea I complicate things too much I know. Its so stupid but I don’t know why. I am just in a bad mood all the time when im home but its because I just want a few hours alone with anyone bothering me just in a room where I can sit and write in my journal read a book but even then I get too overwhelmed and end up doing nothing except stressing myself out and I don’t even know what I stress about.
Im in bed now, and I can’t sleep and im asking myself what’s keeping you up? What are you thinking about? Honestly I have no idea. Im just like ugh over it over stupid things over the way I am I am just over it its so stupid like really. I need to get myself together; I need to stop picking my hair. I find myself ALWAYS going back it takes one little thing to strike me to pick and then bam a pile of hair. Every evening, you’d think I had gotten a trim or something. It’s ridiculous life’s shitty, why? Why is LIFE SO SHITTY ROOJ bc you keep telling yourself its shitty if you say your happy you will be happy. I remember in south Africa, I was confused too I was just at a confused state then, now im just l like flustered. I don’t know, again of course I locked my keys in the car. I lost my phone. When’s it all going to stop? I learned to listen to your body and its taught me a lot to relax to try to do yoga yaw ya but you know that’s not going to happen I don’t have time and I don’t want to do it. The thought of it just stresses me out its so weird like right now thinking of doing yoga just gets me so nervous because I am afraid ill just suck and just give up.
What am I going to do? I don’t know I find myself pondering about my future a lot, about what ill be doing? Will I even find a job? What will I be doing? Will I be happy? I forgot how it is to be at a real job? I don’t know im afraid I dot want to work in an office its just not me. Maybe it is I haven’t even given it a try, but im scared I don’t want to start page one again I don’t want the real world I do but I don’t I do but im afraid of failure so much. If eel like im going to suck at what im going to end up doing whatever it is I have NO IDEA. I majored in marketing but I feel like I know nothing. I really don’t. I look at people around me with all these projects they have done and all these things and im like yeah I’ve done nothing. I don’t know anything. How can I go to the real world without knowledge? I feel like I learned nothing @ Marymount absolutely nothing no joke. I really don’t know anything. The way I talk the way I write everything I feel like I am a maybe a 9th grade high school student. How am I graduating with such little knowledge, I don’t even know. I suck at everything I suck at studying I suck at remembering I suck at losing weight I suck at being happy I suck at being me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I really don’t, I want to cry and just smile and be happy not because I say I am happy but that smile that comes from deep down n your heart that smile that you know everything is okay everything will be okay and everything is fine. I love volunteering it time away from myself; I don’t even know if that makes sense. But it is its just I forget about my nonsense worries and I focus on others.
I wonder is my mom is even really happy? Or even my sisters? Maybe we’re all just not happy? So maybe it’s not just me? I guess I won’t know. Maybe we’re all happy and I am just being stupid. Maybe I am happy but am annoyed and angry that I am so flustered all the time I don’t want to stare blankely at peoples faces anymore. I want to listen to them and give them the advice they are hoping for. I don’t want to just stare and think about how I need to fix myself sometimes. Im just confused and asihflaskjdhfal is am just ugh I wish there was this like a device I could put into my brain to really explain my feelings my thoughts because no words can describe my thoughts and feelings I feel like I am always in battle with my mind. It’s annoying I need to stop saying life sucks. Life really doesn’t. How can you say that? Just breathe and smile. I know tomorrow will be a better day.
My thoughts speak pretty loud, which has led me to imagine that there are two little people living in my brain. Always winning the battle, I introduce u to little man . He is filled with negativity.. the other is little, constantly trying to yell and fight but hardly defeating. I tell myself it’s okay it happens, everyone experiences negative self-talk but is it a continual battle? I need to stop over analyzing every little thing. Smile and breathe.
I don’t know why but I just am not happy and I really don’t know why. I just I don’t know I want to go out and feel so happy but nothing brings real true happiness to me. Nothing. I think I keep myself busy so I don’t have those days where I just sit and think and analyze how shitty my life is.
I have family and friends that love me im so lucky. But its just I don’t know my friends honestly I don’t even know I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t have much of a social life not because I don’t have friends but because I don’t ever want to do anything. Not meaning ohh I want to party I don’t really care for that. But it’s honestly like even for like dinner or a movie I end up just wanting to go home because im just not in the mood. But if I do end up going out its always with a friend whose become like family with everyone which should be a really good thing that she’s become family but just hanging out with her brings me a lot of stress .. maybe im giving myself excuses…I feel like im pushing everyone away, for a while I know I did. But I have gotten better at handling situations. A few days ago I didn’t want to see anybody I wasn’t in the mood for anyone all I wanted was my room and yell in a dark room. Every time I make new friends and every time someone wants to hang out I find myself giving excuses because I feel like I have to Its so weird, not because I have plans but it just stresses me out .. I don’tt want to feel uncomfortable so I say ok well see well figure it out? Figure what out I have no idea I complicate things too much I know. Its so stupid but I don’t know why. I am just in a bad mood all the time when im home but its because I just want a few hours alone with anyone bothering me just in a room where I can sit and write in my journal read a book but even then I get too overwhelmed and end up doing nothing except stressing myself out and I don’t even know what I stress about.
Im in bed now, and I can’t sleep and im asking myself what’s keeping you up? What are you thinking about? Honestly I have no idea. Im just like ugh over it over stupid things over the way I am I am just over it its so stupid like really. I need to get myself together; I need to stop picking my hair. I find myself ALWAYS going back it takes one little thing to strike me to pick and then bam a pile of hair. Every evening, you’d think I had gotten a trim or something. It’s ridiculous life’s shitty, why? Why is LIFE SO SHITTY ROOJ bc you keep telling yourself its shitty if you say your happy you will be happy. I remember in south Africa, I was confused too I was just at a confused state then, now im just l like flustered. I don’t know, again of course I locked my keys in the car. I lost my phone. When’s it all going to stop? I learned to listen to your body and its taught me a lot to relax to try to do yoga yaw ya but you know that’s not going to happen I don’t have time and I don’t want to do it. The thought of it just stresses me out its so weird like right now thinking of doing yoga just gets me so nervous because I am afraid ill just suck and just give up.
What am I going to do? I don’t know I find myself pondering about my future a lot, about what ill be doing? Will I even find a job? What will I be doing? Will I be happy? I forgot how it is to be at a real job? I don’t know im afraid I dot want to work in an office its just not me. Maybe it is I haven’t even given it a try, but im scared I don’t want to start page one again I don’t want the real world I do but I don’t I do but im afraid of failure so much. If eel like im going to suck at what im going to end up doing whatever it is I have NO IDEA. I majored in marketing but I feel like I know nothing. I really don’t. I look at people around me with all these projects they have done and all these things and im like yeah I’ve done nothing. I don’t know anything. How can I go to the real world without knowledge? I feel like I learned nothing @ Marymount absolutely nothing no joke. I really don’t know anything. The way I talk the way I write everything I feel like I am a maybe a 9th grade high school student. How am I graduating with such little knowledge, I don’t even know. I suck at everything I suck at studying I suck at remembering I suck at losing weight I suck at being happy I suck at being me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I really don’t, I want to cry and just smile and be happy not because I say I am happy but that smile that comes from deep down n your heart that smile that you know everything is okay everything will be okay and everything is fine. I love volunteering it time away from myself; I don’t even know if that makes sense. But it is its just I forget about my nonsense worries and I focus on others.
I wonder is my mom is even really happy? Or even my sisters? Maybe we’re all just not happy? So maybe it’s not just me? I guess I won’t know. Maybe we’re all happy and I am just being stupid. Maybe I am happy but am annoyed and angry that I am so flustered all the time I don’t want to stare blankely at peoples faces anymore. I want to listen to them and give them the advice they are hoping for. I don’t want to just stare and think about how I need to fix myself sometimes. Im just confused and asihflaskjdhfal is am just ugh I wish there was this like a device I could put into my brain to really explain my feelings my thoughts because no words can describe my thoughts and feelings I feel like I am always in battle with my mind. It’s annoying I need to stop saying life sucks. Life really doesn’t. How can you say that? Just breathe and smile. I know tomorrow will be a better day.
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