Today was a pretty day Autumn comes with These slight surprises where your life might twist and turn Hope to unlearn Strange things will happen If you let them come around and stick around -The Radio Dept.

told you they are amazing.. check this out

BBC NEWS | Africa | Campaign for Uganda's child soldiers

don't speak to me.

Here I am disappointed at my disgusting body all the time yet children barely get to survive from lack of food or water. What am I complaining about my body? I have a roof. I have water. I have clothes. I have my needs met why am I complaining? Am I complaining? Is it wrong to? Every time I have thoughts that rush through my mind, its as though I have two people living in my brain. One that continues to think things I really feel and the other constantly trying to fight it. “STOP THINKING THAT WAY YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. THAT IS SELFISH OF YOU TO THINK THAT WAY. STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC.” I listen, quickly brushing it off with a smile.
My thoughts speak pretty loud, which has led me to imagine that there are two little people living in my brain. Always winning the battle, I introduce u to little man . He is filled with negativity.. the other is little, constantly trying to yell and fight but hardly defeating. I tell myself it’s okay it happens, everyone experiences negative self-talk but is it a continual battle? I need to stop over analyzing every little thing. Smile and breathe.


I don’t know why but I just am not happy and I really don’t know why. I just I don’t know I want to go out and feel so happy but nothing brings real true happiness to me. Nothing. I think I keep myself busy so I don’t have those days where I just sit and think and analyze how shitty my life is.
I have family and friends that love me im so lucky. But its just I don’t know my friends honestly I don’t even know I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t have much of a social life not because I don’t have friends but because I don’t ever want to do anything. Not meaning ohh I want to party I don’t really care for that. But it’s honestly like even for like dinner or a movie I end up just wanting to go home because im just not in the mood. But if I do end up going out its always with a friend whose become like family with everyone which should be a really good thing that she’s become family but just hanging out with her brings me a lot of stress .. maybe im giving myself excuses…I feel like im pushing everyone away, for a while I know I did. But I have gotten better at handling situations. A few days ago I didn’t want to see anybody I wasn’t in the mood for anyone all I wanted was my room and yell in a dark room. Every time I make new friends and every time someone wants to hang out I find myself giving excuses because I feel like I have to Its so weird, not because I have plans but it just stresses me out .. I don’tt want to feel uncomfortable so I say ok well see well figure it out? Figure what out I have no idea I complicate things too much I know. Its so stupid but I don’t know why. I am just in a bad mood all the time when im home but its because I just want a few hours alone with anyone bothering me just in a room where I can sit and write in my journal read a book but even then I get too overwhelmed and end up doing nothing except stressing myself out and I don’t even know what I stress about.


Im in bed now, and I can’t sleep and im asking myself what’s keeping you up? What are you thinking about? Honestly I have no idea. Im just like ugh over it over stupid things over the way I am I am just over it its so stupid like really. I need to get myself together; I need to stop picking my hair. I find myself ALWAYS going back it takes one little thing to strike me to pick and then bam a pile of hair. Every evening, you’d think I had gotten a trim or something. It’s ridiculous life’s shitty, why? Why is LIFE SO SHITTY ROOJ bc you keep telling yourself its shitty if you say your happy you will be happy. I remember in south Africa, I was confused too I was just at a confused state then, now im just l like flustered. I don’t know, again of course I locked my keys in the car. I lost my phone. When’s it all going to stop? I learned to listen to your body and its taught me a lot to relax to try to do yoga yaw ya but you know that’s not going to happen I don’t have time and I don’t want to do it. The thought of it just stresses me out its so weird like right now thinking of doing yoga just gets me so nervous because I am afraid ill just suck and just give up.
What am I going to do? I don’t know I find myself pondering about my future a lot, about what ill be doing? Will I even find a job? What will I be doing? Will I be happy? I forgot how it is to be at a real job? I don’t know im afraid I dot want to work in an office its just not me. Maybe it is I haven’t even given it a try, but im scared I don’t want to start page one again I don’t want the real world I do but I don’t I do but im afraid of failure so much. If eel like im going to suck at what im going to end up doing whatever it is I have NO IDEA. I majored in marketing but I feel like I know nothing. I really don’t. I look at people around me with all these projects they have done and all these things and im like yeah I’ve done nothing. I don’t know anything. How can I go to the real world without knowledge? I feel like I learned nothing @ Marymount absolutely nothing no joke. I really don’t know anything. The way I talk the way I write everything I feel like I am a maybe a 9th grade high school student. How am I graduating with such little knowledge, I don’t even know. I suck at everything I suck at studying I suck at remembering I suck at losing weight I suck at being happy I suck at being me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I really don’t, I want to cry and just smile and be happy not because I say I am happy but that smile that comes from deep down n your heart that smile that you know everything is okay everything will be okay and everything is fine. I love volunteering it time away from myself; I don’t even know if that makes sense. But it is its just I forget about my nonsense worries and I focus on others.


I wonder is my mom is even really happy? Or even my sisters? Maybe we’re all just not happy? So maybe it’s not just me? I guess I won’t know. Maybe we’re all happy and I am just being stupid. Maybe I am happy but am annoyed and angry that I am so flustered all the time I don’t want to stare blankely at peoples faces anymore. I want to listen to them and give them the advice they are hoping for. I don’t want to just stare and think about how I need to fix myself sometimes. Im just confused and asihflaskjdhfal is am just ugh I wish there was this like a device I could put into my brain to really explain my feelings my thoughts because no words can describe my thoughts and feelings I feel like I am always in battle with my mind. It’s annoying I need to stop saying life sucks. Life really doesn’t. How can you say that? Just breathe and smile. I know tomorrow will be a better day.

cog practices

·      I blankly stare at the person talking to me; they speak to me so deeply, searching for advice that I can share. I continue to stare Blankley. I have gotten so good at pretending to listen, I want to listen, but I am just not there.

·      It is hard to focus.

·      I lose track of what I am doing, and I forget things.

·      I am thinking of the million and one things I need to be doing. How can I be sitting down now. Too many things to do such little time, but I also want to just sleep.

·      I want to go back to  bed. Often I don't sleep well, so I want to take advantage of the days I do.. I want to sleep forever when I am able to sleep.

·      Things didn’t go as planned

·      I got angry.

·      Sometimes I become quiet sometimes I burst into anger, but when things don’t go right I usually respond with anger like today because I am irritated and frustrated why did it not go right why did it not go as I have planned? It’s annoying and I feel like the whole schedule is messed up now.

·      I feel distant. 

·      I get so angry with myself. Why are you so dramatic? Just calm down. Nothing is wrong live your life, life is beautiful enjoy it stop being so annoying.

·      I pulled my hair over and over again

·      I want to scream yell and shout.

·      I close my eyes and pretend. I pretend I am someone else. I pretend I live in a different world where my regrets are none, where I live freely without the tick tock noise. I want the concept of time to just go away.

·      I feel as though I bring negative energy and worry my sisters feel that way if I am there

·      I’m bothered even more when it was confirmed she’s trying to help me but now its even worse for me its not like I can just open up to them..

·      I want to do it all- I find myself thinking about the future a lot and getting scared and nervous yet I dream about this perfect life I will eventually have. I think I dream it because I am so afraid of it not happening. I have planned what I want to be doing, it needs to work it must work, it’s the only way to a successful life.

·      Nothing fits

·      I need to lose weight

·      thin make me happy.

·      You can look good in anything and everyting when your thin. I feel better

Fly away

I am lost and confused. Where do I run where can I hide?

In an open road- - can I get some sort of direction?

sleepless nights, when will they ever end?

I wish it can stop. I want it to shut off

I want to control my mind--my thoughts-my brian

I want it to all end.

helpless and hopeless.

Sometimes the more I learn, the less i know.

I know more than i knew before.... I cannot rest and i cannot stop.......Stranded in the fog of words. I want to fly away.

See, im a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take.

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. -Oscar Wilde, irish dramatist, novalist, and poet.

We're afraid of losing what we have, whether it's our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand. ~ The Alchemist

lyrics, quotes by artists i am inspired by.